Friday, January 11, 2008

“All Guys Do It”

Sex addicts rationalize. One common rationalization is the "Illusion of Normality" rationalization or the “All Guys Do It” defense. Men call on this argument when they have been discovered using pornography, secretly masturbating, going to those venues we euphemistically call “adult entertainment”, flirting inappropriately, or objectifying women. They say to their partners, “All guys do this, it's no big deal, it doesn't mean anything, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.” They mean, 'Please don't make me give this up, I need it too much.”

Let's take the “All Guys Do It” defense at face value for a moment. In a certain sense, it is true at its core. It is true in the same way that it is true that all guys have penises. Men (and women) have sexual feelings and they notice other people who they find sexually attractive. All guys do that. Most people have sexual thoughts about people they encounter even when acting on those thoughts would, for one reason or another, be unwise. All guys do that too. The majority of sexually mature males (in our culture at least) masturbate. Most guys do that. Masturbation is an important part of how young people learn about their sexual selves. It is, normal, useful, and appropriate. Most people masturbate from time to time across the life span. Most guys do that too.

So where does the “All Guys Do It" defense unravel? Here are some examples. All guys do not make excuses to their partners to stay up long into the night in order to be alone with pornography. All guys do not slip into the men's room before an important meeting for a quick wack-off - just to steady their nerves. All guys do not go out of the way to do business with someone they have sexual fantasies about when to do so is otherwise inconvenient or time consuming. All guys don't keep their sex thoughts and actions secret from their partners. All guys don't… but sex addicts do.

Think of it this way. When the average guy walks past someone who is sexually attractive to him, he notices and thinks, “What an attractive person. It was a pleasure to see that person.” But a few seconds later, that person is no longer in that man's mind. When the same events occur to a sex addict, the person lingers in his mind. He may look over his shoulder, contrive a reason to turn around, take the same route the next day in hopes of seeing the same person, create opportunities to flirt with that person, or privately masturbate while fantasizing about that person. You see the difference between “All Guys” and Sex Addicts in the intensity, frequency, and duration of those responses.

It's not the attraction - it's the action. Among sex addicts the attraction becomes action without regard to wisdom, boundaries, or consequences. All guys don't do that. Sex addicts do.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

You totally hit a nerve with your posting. "All guys do that", has been my husbands defense for years. Now, as I continue to look into that a "sex addict" is, I see it has my husbands name written all over it. He needs help.

Anonymous said...

HELP! I need help. Is here really some way to overcome the years of sexual dependence? Someone please help me.

Anonymous said...

I have known for years that I am a sex addict and have not done what I need to do. I don't want to do this anymore but I don't know what to do

Anonymous said...

i am a sex addict and scared. The addiction hgas lead me on to a self destructive path. I am an intelligent well educated female in fear of loosing her career because of my behaviour... i am stuck in england. Birmingham and cannot find a self help group or any support at all.

Anonymous said...

All guys chase women and sex, bravado. Only the sex addict chases relentlessly the hollow promise of shallow meaningless sex. If we are honest we all know the truth.

Lisa said...

I knew that my husband was looking at women in a very lustful and more than just noting how pretty manner....it did not matter if they were young or mothers or not "attention seeking" women. I was talking to him about my fears and wanting to be buried with him while he was following a housewife walking into the supermarket. He never heard a word I said, and I was the one that was crushed and still am to this day. We divorced because he needed his freedom and he had the courage to insist on it or I honestly would still be trapped with a man that never loved me.

Anonymous said...

I have lived with an extreme case of deception and am in the middle of divorcing my husband who is a sex addict. He briefly came clean and sought help but it was ver short lived. Now I am living a nightmare as he denies everything and blames and hates me and makes insane, outrageous accusations against me, all in an effort to hide his addictions. I did not know such exsisted before I lived it. My husband married me because he needed a cover and I fit the bill. I hope this becomes more well known to the public. I never understood what was wrong with my husband. His dissatisfaction with life never made sense but now it all does, although he still fools most people as he did me. It is scary stuff. I think drug addiction would be easier to deal with.

Anonymous said...

do men start seeing escorts in their 40s because they're "curious" or is this something that's most likely been going on a while. same thing with massage parlors...how do they get help?

Annie said...

do men start seeing escorts in their 40s because they're "curious" or is this something that's most likely been going on a while. same thing with massage parlors...how do they get help?

Annie said...

do men start seeing escorts in their 40s because they're "curious" or is this something that's most likely been going on a while. same thing with massage parlors...how do they get help?

Anonymous said...

My story is exactly as the Anonymous June 29th comment although my husband will not own up to his addiction. I have just put all the pieces of the puzzle together from my marriage the past 5 years and know my husband has a sexual addiction problem. I've had hints here and there and always felt an undercurrent that I could never put my finger on I grew extremely depressed and knew I was in a toxic relationship but couldn't get out. His emotional blackmail always worked on me and kept me in a dark place. His house of cards came tumbling down this past week and now I know the extent of his secret life. I've gone through the crying, sobbing, rages and even saw a therapist. He helped me clarify what is going on and I know I will be able to work through this. I will divorce him and move on with my life I know there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Anonymous said...

How do I get help my husband is a attic and I do not know how to attach some times I can other times I do not if only I could not react and detach Help I feel very unattractive I know it is his stuff

Anonymous said...

This has been an eyeopener for me, I'm still at the point were all thought all guys did it.
I'm finally starting to learn that my mind works differently, now I just need to learn how to change all theat.

Anonymous said...

My husband just blindsided me with a porn addicition that has escalated into numerous personals encounters. I have asked him repeatedly if he cheated and he has denied until I found a SD card with a video of him having sex with someone else. I love him and I do not know what I am to do. We have two young children and he has been apparantly doing this for sometime now. I am crushed.

Searching for help said...

My husband just confessed to me over the weekend that he was a sex addict. He has cheated alot in the past and I happened to stumble upon some emails and messages between him and one of the women he cheated with in the past, this is when he came out and admitted he had a problem, I have no clue where to turn from here. We just recently relocated to a different state and I have no one to turn to for support. He says he wants to get help, and I am not sure I believe him, he has done nothing but lied to me over the past 16 years. We have kids at home which make things a bit harder to deal with.

Anonymous said...

I too am a sex addict and have been lying about it, denying it, and blaming my spouse for suspecting anything. This is a serious problem for which I am seeking the help of Michael Johnson, PHd in order straighten out my life.

adam caitlin said...

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Randy Cooper said...

Watch porn? I'm genuinely curious b/c my friend and I were talking and she claimed that there are NO guys, ANYWHERE who don't watch porn. So is that true? Is watching porn just something that you're not NOT supposed to do? I mean, I know girls that don't, but no guys. Be honest..

BQ: One of our guy friends said he only watches it to get it up, but he wouldn't watch it if he had a girlfriend. So would YOU still watch it if you were in a relationship?

Thanks, I'm trying to see if my friend's right...
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Very Bad Mommy said...

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jimmi said...

this me to a tee... that's very sad that im like this

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